We’ve all heard some variation of toxic positivity. One definition of toxic positivity is “the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience”(Quintero & Long, 2019). It may also be described as an obsession with thinking positively (Villines, 2021). A positive outlook on life is not harmful, but being determined to only be positive, no matter the circumstances, is (Regan, 2022; Villines, 2021).
“Just stay positive.”
“Good vibes only.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“Stop being so negative.”
I’m sure a lot of us have said these things too! They sound like they should be inspiring, and may even help for a moment, but they can be harmful in the long run. There are many studies out there that demonstrate the consequences of repressing what we feel. For example, Chapman et al (2013) explored the connection between emotional suppression and all-cause, cardiovascular, and cancer mortality over 12 years of follow-up. They found that suppressing emotions may increase our risk for early death. There are several implications noted in this study, but as mentioned, other studies also demonstrate the possible risk for negative health outcomes with emotion suppression. Ford et al (2018) found that individuals who accept their mental experiences may attain better psychological health. Patel & Patel (2019) also explored what we currently know about these potential negative consequences.
If you’re still into preaching these kinds of statements to others, think about what purpose they serve. Just staying positive doesn’t mean you’ll forget about everything troubling you. Hearing that other people have it worse is invalidating your experience, and that doesn’t help you feel any better. You know people have it worse. It can be difficult to avoid being negative, especially if you’re just trying to repress it deep down. Negative feelings won’t go away because you pretend they don’t exist. Repressing these feelings is only going to make you feel worse in the long term.
Forcing positivity (when it becomes toxic) invites shame and guilt. This is especially true in terms of “it gets better.” When you’re at your lowest, someone telling you that “it gets better” isn’t helpful. It sucks right now. Why can’t it just be better right now? If you’re saying those words, I know you mean well. It seems like it should be comforting, right? I think that’s because the message that it encompasses does matter, as it’s about hope, but it’s just not the time.
You are allowed to have emotional needs. Being happy all the time isn’t realistic. Let yourself feel your feelings; they’re healthy – they alert us that something needs resolving. When we take the time to process these feelings and accept them as normal, we learn to feel them without letting them stop us in our tracks. Happiness is about feeling authentic emotions (Princing, 2021).
Something I’ve been taught in therapy is reframing negative thoughts. It does not necessarily mean putting a positive spin on them, just helping them be more productive by using language that does not denote ownership. Changing the direction of our thinking gives us more control while still acknowledging what we are feeling. For example, pivoting fear into curiosity reframes your thoughts while still acknowledging your emotions.
So, when you’re considering comforting someone with a toxic positivity statement, instead, consider validating their experience, acknowledging that it’s hard but you’ll be with them every step of the way, or telling them that you see them. Or, you can just ask them what they need.
Anyhow, acknowledging the harm toxic positivity can cause does not mean not having any positivity in your life. As with everything, it’s about balance (Chieu, 2020). You can practice gratitude in your life without forcing yourself to be grateful all the time. Feel what you need to feel. You are valid.
Until next time,
Raquel
References
Chapman, B. P., Fiscella, K., Kawachi, I., Duberstein, P., & Muennig, P. (2013). Emotion suppression and mortality risk over a 12-year follow-up. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 75(4), 381–385. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychores.2013.07.014
Cherry, K. (2021). What is toxic positivity? Very Well Mind. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958
Chiu, A. (2020). Time to ditch ‘toxic positivity,’ experts say: It’s okay not to be okay.’ The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/toxic-positivity-mental-health-covid/2020/08/19/5dff8d16-e0c8-11ea-8181-606e603bb1c4_story.html
Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(6), 1075–1092. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000157
Patel, J., & Patel, P. (2019) Consequences of repression of emotion: Physical health, mental health and general well-being. International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, 1(3), 16-21. doi: 101.14302/issn.2574-612X.ijpr-18-2564
Princing, M. (2021). What you need to know about toxic positivity. Right as Rain by UW Medicine. Retrieved from https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/well-being/toxic-positivity#:~:text=It%20can%20also%20misrepresent%20you,Stop%20crying%2C%20everything%20is%20fine.
Quintero, S., & Long, J. (2019). Toxic positivity: The dark side of positive vibes. The Psychology Group. Retrieved from https://thepsychologygroup.com/toxic-positivity/
Regan, S. (2022). What is toxic positivity? A deep dive into why you should avoid it. Mindbodygreen. Retrieved from https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/toxic-positivity/
Villines, Z. (2021). What to know about toxic positivity. Medical News Today. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/toxic-positivity
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